le gros nichons

Random Thoughts - Blogs are for Whinings....

2007-01-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

too many random thots in my head over the past few weeks... have to write them down...

the guys gave me a surprise on the first day of the new year to celebrate my birthday which was 2 days after... it was really sweet of them to make tt effort and it was really funny n cute to see them trying to hide behind the pillars, like secondary sch kids... heh...

been feeling like i need a pet these days... a dog will be nice, even a cat, though my affinity towards cats are not tt strong... but it's never gonna be possible unless i move out of this house... a puppy who will stay with me and never leave.....

dunno how to pick myself up... i look and behave ok... sometimes even, i feel ok... but too many days when i can't help but feel so helpless... i do admit, i cannot do without company... but so many dun stay at your side.... some just call you out once in a while, some call when they suddenly thot of you tt nite and never one who can give me what i need...

why is it so hard sometimes?? why can't i smile?? there are days when i really feel like giving up on life.... but life never lets you do tt... it moves n it moves... it doesn't stop for you... you'll just have to catch up with it and force yourself to move with it... but so often, i feel my outside moving ahead, but my inside still stuck in time....

of cos there are days when it doesn't seem so bad... when you numb yourself enough n not think abt anything but focus on wat's ahead, life seems better... i just want to get there sooner... that patch of grass where i know it's greener and softer...where i know i can roll and frolick among the flowers...

wat happened and why this way?? it's been a while since i expressed my feelings in any way... but then again if u think abt it, it's not been tt long, but it seems like years have passed..... and even at this point of time, i'm in denial... i can't even bring myself to express anything, not even in a blog...

i need to stick to wat i wanted to do in the beginning... it's so hard and painful and it's a constant battle... but i know that after tonite, after i wake up from my sleep, i still have to let it go.... not easy... but neither do i have the choice... i only pray that this battle tt i'm fighting, has made his life a better one...

Last Working Day of the Year

2006-12-28T22:53:00.000-08:00

Here i am, sitting in the office for one last time b4 i transfer myself to a new office in raffles place... the last day i'll be blogging from this computer and under Citibank's account...

i am feeling screwed up... everything is screwed up... even my health... starting to get all the weird sicknesses that i never had before... whole day, i'm feeling breathless and feverish, but no fever... hungry and yet nothing goes in, everything's blend n tasteless... what goes in just feels like coming out again... perhaps i'm an accidental bulimic... terms like eczema and asthma start popping into my vocabulary where it never existed b4... i start losing sleep when i could so easily fall into deep sleep within 5 mins on the bed... it's so frustrating, i just feel like taking out everything inside, give it a good squeeze n wash and hope everything will be ok again...

i've not felt so screwed up with every aspect of my life for a very long time... n this time, it seems to be taking a longer while to pass over... and i shall infect everyone with my screwed up mind...

I envy Sleeping Beauty...

2006-12-12T00:23:00.001-08:00

at this point of time now, i wish i could too fall into a deep deep sleep... just disappear from the face of this earth... forget everything, dun have think abt anything, u can just sleep all you want without having to wake up with a headache afterwards...

dun have to have pms, dun have to eat, dun have to drag yourself to work, dun have to grow old, dun have to be troubled abt the problems all adults face, dun have to worry abt anything... perhaps Sleeping Beauty had the same idea in mind.. tt's why she purposely pricked her fingers with the spindle....??? hmm...

i really really just want to do that now...

lessons you learn 2

2006-12-01T00:24:00.000-08:00

what does blogging do?? it gives you a voice to speak your mind, your heart, your feelings?? or is it just an option for people to know what is going on in your life without having to approach you to find out?? I wanted to give up blogging initially b'cos I felt that there were some people who read my blog, just to fester on their curiosity and do not really care abt what goes on in my life... I still feel that way but I guess why should I bother myself abt them..??

Blogging is a way for me to express myself in ways that I would otherwise not be able to.. silent thots that cannot be expressed through speech but only thru words...

everyone's busy with their own lives, preoccupied with their own problems and obstacles... gone are the days when close frens call u up, ask abt you and chat thru the night... gone are the days too when u can just pick up the phone and call any close fren and not hear the strain through their voice when they hear you talk abt their problems... everyone likes to avoid unhappy talk these days, they dun want to burden themselves with other people's problems on top of their own... is this how friendships have become?? am I guilty of that too?

well, at least I tried... and I'm grateful for those who sincerely listened to my problems and my joy and I in turn, reached out to those who needed a listening ear to theirs...

lessons you learn

2006-11-30T17:45:00.000-08:00

I remember I once told auntie jane, "u can't always stop them from committing mistakes, u can't always prepare the path u think is good for them, sometimes you just have to let them make their own path and fall on their own, and they will learn from it.."
I remember this was sth that I've always wanted to tell my parents... let me do whatever I do and let me learn from my mistakes however painful it might be... let me learn...

but of cos as parents, they'll never allow you to walk down the dark and risky path alone.. they'll use their ways n means to warn you, to stop you, fearing that you'll be hurt in the process... I've come to understand why they are this way... why they want to stop you and save you from hurting yourself... but sometimes, there's really nothing you can do to stop anyone from doing what they want to do..

I am not a parent yet but I already feel this way towards friends I care... but I know that though I see them walking down the dark and perhaps turmultous path, I'll just have to give them my best wishes and hope and pray that they'll 'survive' it and become a better person.. for if you love and care for them enough, you will believe that whatever decisions that they make, it's for the best of them...

2006-11-24T01:21:00.000-08:00

http://cassie.zoto.com/galleries

2006-11-13T00:49:00.000-08:00

OH MI GAWD
OH MI GAWD!!!!

GOT AN OFFER~~ GOT AN OFFER~~~!! AM I EXCITED OR WHAT!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!
AAAHHHHHHHHH~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when there's a will, there's a way...

2006-11-06T23:10:00.000-08:00

it's been a week since and it has been a roller-coaster ride throughout the week.. everyday is a confusing up and down and dunno what... took a day off from work today, just needed to be alone and sit and stone and sort out my thots..

i have this feeling in me, at the pits of the stomach, that i know that we would have been great together.. i see a future that is blissful but not without quarrels of course, but nevertheless good together.. it's not a feeling where you try to psycho yourself to feel but it's just this thing at the back of everything else, that you know, not of imagination or convincing of oneself, but you just know.. i dun always feel so sure about anything else, but this is one area where i know with so much conviction, even since the first time we broke up, that my heart beats faster with the thot of it...

you might think that i'm feeling this way b'cos i want it so badly but i've come to realise that it's not.. i even want to give up already and truth is, my hopes of anything reviving is fading.. but though it might fade and disappear, i still know that we could work it out together..

you know you love me when:
you get distracted on the road, thinking about me and the issue that we have to resolve..

you know you love me when:
you want to do things for me, just b'cos you know that i'll be happy if you do it..

you know you love me when:
you too felt that everything seems perfect and you didn't even realise that we have been spending almost everyday together for 2 weeks straight..

you know you love me when:
you were upset when we broke up and your heart was squeezed out of its life..

you know you love me when:
you wished that things could have worked out and we would be happy together..

enough said.

a Funshine Bear for You!

2006-10-30T01:12:00.000-08:00

i realised that one don't have to take everything so intently.. after a while, u realise that when you take it with a pinch of salt, you can accomodate more and the problem doesn't seem that daunting anymore... if one takes every problem so seriously, one will tire out and burn out easily...

i shall keep my optimism high and i shall try to smile behind the dark clouds... and i'll try to infect you with a bit of my cheer, 'cos i dun wish to make u upset anymore... whatever the outcome is, i hope that i have helped to make your day a lighter and brighter one..!

DENG DENG!!

2006-10-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

*Deng Deng..*

this is the sound that mr j likes to make when something impending has happened/will be happening, to build the suspense and apprehension... heheh...

*Deng Deng..*

the calls have been made, the sms sent... i wonder what happens next.. i was still not convinced when i was the one who saw the smses in the first place.. i wanted some form of confirmation b4 we send out the threatening sms, tt's why we decided to give the number a call, hoping that i could be proven wrong... but alas, how disappointing it is when we heard the person pick up the phone.....

*Deng Deng..*

gonna have a little talk with mr j later... not sure what he's going to say but the apprehension is unnerving nevertheless... all i just wanted was a bit of assurance in a more physical form.. have i been asking for too much again...??

*Deng Deng*

received a call from her again.. this time not as dramatic as the previous but nevertheless over the same issue again... for the sake of her sanity, her family and mine, i hope this relationship of hers will end and she will do as she says, cut off all contact from anything associated to him..!

*Deng Deng*

Exams in 3 weeks time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'SINGH-ING' RULES!

2006-10-16T03:03:00.000-07:00

have been rather busy recently with work and school work.. in fact, still in the midst of completing all my assignments this week.. i was so occupied that i actually took time in the office to complete my assignements.. heh..

haven't been sleeping well too... either i keep waking up in the middle of the nite or i wake up the next day feelin like i've never slept.. keep feelin burnt-out with work and assignments breathing down my back... wonder how it will be when exams are nearing... sigh...

another mth has passed by since i started work in Citibank... and the JOB IS KILLING ME....!!!!! but just have to 'tahan' lah...... *tahan tahan tahan*

went to Mr T's house the other nite for dinner to celebrate his wife's birthday... no, i wasn't the one who was invited.. it's justin but i get to tag along... ha ha... i must say that the party was actually very nice!! there was great food... wooo, i LOVE the pasta served tt nite... n the caeser salad and smoked salmon... yummy!!! there was a great party of old friends of the T family and they got the NUS jazz band to play throughout the nite... the band's not too bad lah, i'm just not a big fan... and there was one point where Mrs T asked one of her frens to sing a song for us and i tell u, he was hilarious!!!!!! this guy, a Singh, came up and sang the nursery rhymes that we all know like 'mary had a little lamb' and 'jack and jill' etc, in the 'indian classical' way.... heheh... it was a really funny rendition and i truly regret not being able to record it down.. i've never heard of anyone singing these children songs this way and it truly is very refreshing and amazing!! hehehe...

ok, well, enough of raving abt the Singh guy... really, he should probably record a little album or sth... hahha... hmm, in the blink of an eye, it's 630 AND IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!!!! HA HA HA...

buai ppl!!

Je Suis Désolé

2006-09-28T23:47:00.000-07:00

I never admitted to this but I've always knew in the back of my mind, that i'm a very proud person... Proud as a peacock, they say.. Hardly do i admit to my mistakes and i can actually count the number of times i've said sorry and suffer the humiliation of being proven wrong... in fact, i used to get really pissed when someone points out a flaw in my character or whatever mistake that i've committed...

think this job is bringing out the worst in me... this is the 2nd consecutive day that i've been doing nothing but my own homework and perhaps some blogging.. it's making me really tired of coming to work n doing nothing.. doing nothing = thinking too much too! n i've been more demanding and emotional.. on top of that, i dunno why i'm feeling so tired everyday that i just want to 'niam' at every little thing..

feeling the strain and really wish to go for a short break.. a little holiday to soak up the sun n bring back the tan tt i wore when i came back from Perth during summer... i'm tired of sitting in the office, getting tt miserable bit of vitamin D when i walk from centennial tower to marina square for lunch.. but holiday... hmm... dun even want to think abt it anymore.. musk the disappointment..

it's like a constant fear these days... tt if i do sth wrong or if i demand too much and cause him to flare up, he'll break and it'll be back to square one.. perhaps it's good, because then, i'll be more conscious of my actions and not provoke him unnecessarily, unlike the last time when i was constantly pushing him n testing his limit.. but at the same time, i'm wondering if it's healthy for me to feel this way.. shd fear occupy such a big part of me?? perhaps this is constructive fear??

2 more hours to end of day... sianz, tired, grumpy.. just want to go home n sleep....

*'niam' = grumble / whine (in hokkien)

and i wish to tell him...

2006-09-28T02:15:00.000-07:00

with nothing to do at work the whole day, i turned to reading old entries of my blog n the continuation of my assignment.. i'm terribly tired today and time seems to pass ever so slowly... somemore have to meet some group mates tonite to complete a presentation... my body just screams "can i dun go...!!??!?!?"

read thru the blog that i wrote when i was in perth... this blog is truly a gem.. i recorded down every single emotion and event that i experienced over there... it certainly brought back a lot of memories... it's nice when i look back n read thru my experiences there, tremendously enriching...

how far i've come since my days in OZ-land... those days were really 'Days of my Life'! realised as well how much i've gone thru with mr j... we got together more than 3 years back, broke up and attempted to live our own lives again and back together 1 year plus later...it's quite interesting though that this time tt we've been back together, our relationship seem to be so much different from previously... it feels almost as if we just got together a few mths back and are still getting to know each other... i guess it's better this way 'cos we started again on a fresh page, with fresh perceptions... but at the same time, because we have actually been together since dunno when, it made me appreciate him and the relationship more than ever...

a surge of emotions right now to tell me that i'm in love once again....

a week to PAYDAY!!!!

2006-09-25T01:31:00.000-07:00

yeay! a week to payday... a week to financial-not-so-stifling.. but i'm still a far-cry from being able to live in luxury... heh... but at least better than nothing lah...
can't believe that i've been at this place for more than a month already... with the money coming in, this work doesn't seem that bad anymore... esp now that work in school is getting heavy as well... at least i have a bit of time during work to do a bit of my school work... just started on the first of my 4 assignments... *phew*

just had a not so good weekend, which i point all the fault to PMS... heh.. just felt damn irritated and frustrated when things didn't go my way... heh... think i really behaved like a spoilt child and the one who bore all the brunt was poor mr j... =p
but he was very patient and even tried to appease me as much as possible... thanks, baby..!! *muacks*

gonna see my cute tanisha tonite... can't wait!!! miss her so much already... i shd really start going to my sister's house again during the weekends to play with her, otherwise she'll not be as close to me!! =( heh...
she surprised me last week when she came over to me n gave me a hug when i was about to leave the house!! awww.... so cuttteeee.....!!!! n my sister was telling me over lunch all the cute things she did.... aawww.... so sweetttt.....!!!! can't wait to see her, can't wait to see her, can't wait to see her, can't wait to see her!! *hyper-ventilate*

another everyday just like any other day...

2006-09-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

here's another entry on how boring my life is...

read someone's blog just a few mins ago... he wrote of love and how down he is when he's out of love and how happy he is now tt he is in another one... realise that i've been where he's been... but now when i look back at how i was last time, i realise that i'm no longer tt romantic at heart.. though i still like romance and lovey-dovey things, but at the back of it, logicality tags along... it's no longer just purely romance anymore... is tt a sign of losing the flame of passion or just that i'm growing up???

work is... worse than boring... or perhaps, i've not been doing much of work lately... need some stuff to be approved first b4 i proceed in completing the rest of the data-entry work... yes, data-entry... how interesting can this job be?? i need challenges! i need a sense of achievement!! i'm going out of my mind with this monotonous job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

worse still, sometimes when i have nobody to lunch with, the day is almost dreary... didn't have anyone to lunch with today, and after work i have to show face for this super boring class which i would not have bothered showing up if i didn't need to get a book from my classmate.. auughhh...

have 4 assignments due in 2 weeks time and i've only done a bit of research... is there any way that i can write my essays at work?? otherwise, i cannot even fathom how i can complete these assignments... but when i want to start to write, nothing flows and the environment is not conducive at all.. i'm constantly on alert shd anyone spot me doing my assignment and not work... =p

watched a channel 8 tv programme the other nite just b4 bed... was supposed to turn in already but the show, though cheesy, got hooked onto me... heh... it's abt the guy who requested the show, which is abt how to express love, to help him propose to his gf... he spent 2 days doing up this gift for her as proposal gift... so on the big day, they showed him bringing his gf to take a ride on the DHL hot-air balloon, with the mediacorp artistes on pretext that they are recording another programme... so as they were going up in the hot-air balloon, they started interviewing the couple and asked them questions etc... then when they are up in the sky, everyone's attention is caught by a huge picture arranged on the ground, which is the picture of the guy's very first card to his gf, a picture of a bear with hearts...

so as they got back to the ground, the artistes encourages the couple to take a closer look at the picture and it was then that the girl realised that the picture is made up of a collage of thousands of photos the couple have taken together over the years... aaawwww...!!!
the guy actually took 2 full days to stick and complete this giant card for her... and needless to say, she was moved to tears... i would too if i was in her shoes!!

what left such a impression in me was that the couple actually look very plain and some would even say unattractive... the girl's pretty plump and the guy looks like a malaysian... but the effort put in and affection displayed was not some hollywood scene, but a sincere guy who, regardless of looks, wants to spend the rest of his life with his love... i want that too~~~!!

been hooked on SuDoKu these days... a mind provoking game but only bored ppl would play it... people like me... heh....

realised that i can't be bothered to socialise at work 'cos i'm totally not motivated at all! come to work, stare at screen n stone... how to be smiley and in good spirits to solcialise???
ok cass, think positive... think of the glass half-full... think motivated and enthusiatic.... it must be the PMS.....

everyday just like any other day...

2006-09-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

or at least, tt's what it seems to me these days... if only work was more interesting and challenging, then everyday won't as dreary as it seems... wish my colleagues are more motivational too.. basically, my colleagues are all office aunties, but of a younger age group... they are only 30 plus, but they talk like 10 years older and once every few minutes, they behave like they're in their twenties... heh.. sorry, but i just can't click with them...
i prefer my sister's colleagues, more fun and more 'potato' unlike my 'chena' colleagues but oh well, i dun belong to their department...

it's getting quite frustrating and depressing... i feel useless, not at all productive except doing my brainless data-entry work... here, i have frens earning big bucks and doing enriching work while i'm just wasting my time away, doing brainless jobs... argh!!!!!

sigh, back to doing research for my assignments and continuing my remaining data-entry... AND IT'S ONLY TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LET THE TIME PASS FASTER, PLEASE......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P/S oh, i have attached some pictures of Elizabeth Choy in memory of our war heroine.. she's quite beautiful when she was younger, isn't she?? looks a bit like Joan Chen...

Left or Right??

2006-09-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

Just learnt a new term recently, heh...

"If you're not his Right-Hand Man,
U're his Left Testicles!"

*eewwww... gross..!!*

HoLy MaCaRoNi!!

2006-09-12T01:26:00.000-07:00

just had my family dinner last nite, steamboat... damn shiok!! my mum boiled the broth with chicken bones and added sweet corn to sweeten it... yummy!!
she asked mr j to join us for dinner again... think i dun even have to ask him to join us for dinner anymore, it's gonna be pressumed that he'll be asked every week... heh... in a way, it's nice that my mum is so accepting but kindda scary too, if u ask me... isn't it like only family members get to come for family dinners?? heh... perhaps my mum can't wait to get rid of me in the house then... haha...
oh well, think my mum's just being nice... doesn't mean anything more than a dinner with her daughters... so no pressure there, eh?? hee hee...

been thinking quite a bit abt marriage these days... perhaps it's cos so many of my frens and relatives are getting married next year, it's starting to make me fantasize abt my own... when tt will be, how it'll be like, getting a new place to stay, living with a person whose habits are so different from the people u grew up living with, going home after a long day to your hubby, breathing the same air, sharing the same bed, etc...

i know quite a number of colleagues and frens, either same age or just a year older, and they are already married or getting married soon... i laugh when i look at myself, 'cos marriage just still seem so far away... with no career, practically no savings and a life of debts, paying for my own wedding and house just doesn't seem like sth that i can achieve in the next few years... heh...

but i'm not alone in this... i just realised recently that many girls around my age are wishing and hoping and talking abt how much they wanna get married too... perhaps it's our biological clock telling us that we have to do sth abt this issue! heh... in fact, i even have a fren who aims to be married by next year, but alas, she has yet to find tt special someone... =p

oh well, enough of marriage and stuff... better concentrate on my life and goals as of now, which is to quickly graduate, start working and build up my finances first!! not to mention my finance mid-sem test, which is tomorrow... *bleah...*

though i always tell you when i'm upset, i have been very happy & grateful all these while...

2006-09-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

think the last time when i had my last bout of tears and wiles, that i can recall, was 3 weeks ago?? tt's a feat since my cycle was supposedly bi-weekly... heh...

things have been going rather well for me... except a few hiccups here and there, such as me losing a really nice watch that mr j bought for me all the way from KL!!
"i'm still feeling guilty abt it, baby.. sooorrrryyy..."

work is still as boring as ever, but i guess as long as i 'tahan' there, it won't get too bad... oh well, i'm only saying that cos i know i'm not coming to work on wed! hahah... how great it'll be if they give off-days in the middle of the week! then work won't be so unbearable, isn't it?? hmm.. wonder if they'll suspect anything if i take weds off every other week?? heh heh...

u won't believe how bored i am at work... i blog, i surf the limited webbies entitled, i read blogs... can u believe it that i'm actually starting to read xiaxue's blogs! OMG!!!

can't wait for me to graduate... been hearing how well my fellow frens are doing in the banking world, i'm green with envy... joy's still in HK but doing very well, completing her training soon in a mth's time.. yenlee just tendered her resignation at JPM and moving on to Barclays *whistle*... YY might be able to continue her stint with UBS... jane, my sister's colleague, same age as me, is doing the same job as my sista! i'm like the only laggard around, still contracting, doing brainless date-entry work... i can't wait to step out of this and start doing real proper work! i pray and hope that i wld be accepted into any private banks or investment depts in foreign banks! i dun even mind being an assistant, to start off... am i being too ambitious??
but i so want to start my career in these places SOON!!!!!!!!

with the IMF meeting kicking in tomorrow, Suntec and Marina never looked as deserted... heh.. it's not tt bad for people working here, cos work is as usual but the roads look really empty now... used to look out of the window to look at the bustle on the shopping centres and roads below, but now it looks almost liek a dead town... mr j is starting his IMF stint tmr too... not even sure if i'll get to see him much throughout these 2 weeks, but hopefully might be able to have lunches with him when he's on standby in Suntec! to those who are not aware, he's one of the few who got selected to drive the VVVIPs around in the 7 series... so proud of him! *^^*

ok, enough of my adoration for tt man... heh... back to work now... oh n did i mention how much i miss perth again?? miss the weather, the smell of perth, miss my life there, a year ago... shit, it's been a year!!

i thot i can survive longer...

2006-09-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

think i'm reaching my peak soon at work... and this is only my 3rd week here!!

i told myself that i'll just 'tahan' over the next 4 mths since the money is good... but these days, i've been dragging myself to work and every single day, i'm forcing my eyes to be open.. once in the morning and once in the afternoon, it always happens...

in the morning, i get to work, type a few stuff, pour myself a milo, start forcing to keep my eyes open, pour myself a cup of coffee and then it's lunch... after lunch, type a few more stuff, force myself to open my eyes again, and then pour myself another cup of coffee, look for my sister for a short chat n then count down to the end of the day... tt's my life at work these days, and i'm beginning to feel that no matter how good the pay is, i cannot stand myself forcing my eyes open any longer... wat's more, it's only tuesday today! 3 more days to end of the week...!!!

S.E.P.T.E.M.B.E.R.

2006-09-03T08:38:00.001-07:00

how time flies, it's nearing to the end of the year again! well, 3 more mths, tt is...

went for my argentinian tango class yesterday... i must say i'm really enjoying myself learning the dance! u really feel like a peacock when u dance tt type of dance 'cos of the poise you have to keep... heh... n plus, the dance instructor's very good in explaining the steps n all and plus plus, he's cute... hahhaha... the only draw-back was that he brought his girlfren, who's also a dancer, to class yesterday and she really doesn't show a good example at all...
i mean, it was a beginner's class n definately much under her league, but she was sleeping on the sofa during lessons and not at all interested when the dance instructor asked her to demonstrate a few moves... hey, if your bf is teaching a class, at least stay awake and listen to what's happening in the class though it might be the millionth time you've been listening..??? hhmm...

then after class, i went to look for pj at parkway and then joined the guys for dinner after tt... supposed to head home but ended up playing mahjong with the gang... n again supposed to head home after the mahjong session but decided to join some frens for drink at the loof... it was a whole day of activities!

then today, i volunteered to sell tulips for the children's cancer foundation... it's like the annual thing where they get people to sell the cocoon tulips to raise funds and awareness... i must say it was an enriching activity and i've been looking forward to doing it... some people were really nice and i met a few who stopped and talked to me quite a bit... but there were many who just brushed me away.. can't blame them 'cos i think i'm just like one of them if i was approached... but i did realised that once i mention that the charity is for the children, many are willing to donate... thanks Singapore, to those who donated!!

the only downside i faced during the day was this idiotic security guard who kept telling me to stop selling the flowers in the building... ok, at first, i was within the boundary so he told me that i can't sell it there... so fine, i moved to another spot where i was just at the border of the boundary and he came over n tell me to not sell there too.. at tt point in time, i wasn't even selling and just resting 'cos i wasn't sure whether i cld sell there... and the day was sooo hot!! the conversation was as follows:

Security Guard (SG): "sorry miss, you can't sell here too.."
Me: "oh ok.. i'm not selling now anyway, i'm just standing here and resting.."
SG: "u mean you're just standing here and not even thinking of selling?
Me: "ya, 'cos i'm thinking at the same time, where i can move too since i'm not allowed to sell within this building"
SG: "i suggest that you dun even stand here, whether you're sellign or not.. just keep away from this building"

i was like, super pissed loh.!!! hello?? i'm sure you can be more polite and since we are all doing this for a good cause and i'm not causing any trouble or anything rite?? i was just standing there, for crying out loud!! and what's this idiotic rule abt not being able to do activities such as raising flags within the boundary of the building... it's not as if we are in the shopping malls or enclosed places... i was in the outdoors, which just so happen that i'm standing under the shelter of the building!! SHEESH!!

ok, enough of rantings... gotta go head for bed now n prepare for work tmr... not looking forward at all, in fact almost dreading.. but oh well.. all for the money.... =p

Time for Updates Again

2006-08-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

well, well... been a while since i last updated anything abt myself!

i'm currently employed again... back at Citibank but a different department altogether... i'm now with corporate banking and doing boring data-entry work... dead boring but the money is good, so i'm not really complaining much! heheh... am in the same office as my sista at Centennial Tower, so i see her every day n have lunch with her too... is this called bonding or what..?? heh... but i miss working in Private Bank... the environment and ppl there are very different! and not to mention that the job scope is definately more interesting as well.. =p

just went to visit an uncle who met with an accident recently... was quite shaken as i never really expected him to be tt injured and in my mind, he has always been tt cheerful and boisterous uncle.. to see him on the hospital bed with all the facial injuries on top of the bruises and broken limb was a bit... disconcerting...

been to the hospital so often recently, u really appreciate life more... think for the past 2 mths, i've been to the hospital to visit frens n relatives 3 times... and every single time i'm at the hospital, i'm reminded of my short stay there a year n half ago... it never fails to remind me of how foolish i was to have to stay in the hospital while most ppl would have avoided... thank God nothing serious happened to me...

just managed to catch up with a very close fren from perth last nite... he was my confidante and shoulder to cry on when i was depressed in perth... haven't spoken to him since i came back to singapore and it felt really good to be able to catch up with him again... he is one great fren that i can totally trust and i know who sincerely wishes the best for me... though the distance separates us and i might never ever get to see him again, i know tt in my heart, he'll always be my true true fren... Thanks, Pascal!

caught up with another pal from perth who has since went back to KL.. he's now married and has a kid and comes down to Singapore every once in a while... he'll definately call me when he's down to meet up! then managed to contact another fren who is working in Hong Kong for 4 mths.. felt really fortunate to be able to know so many frens from all over the world... heh.. n surprisingly, these ppl are the ones who appreciate you, more perhaps because of the distance...

been taking up french lessons from my former colleague's french wife... been enjoying myself thoroughly!! hopefully by mid next year, i'll be able to speak fluently and maybe even sing in french! ehheheh... mr j might be taking up french too so tt's another person to practise my french with... heh... we are also planning more activities to do together... been going for some dance classes recently, the salsa and argentinian tango! mr j has been very inspired to learn argentinian tango after some instructors told him tt he dances quite well, hahahah... seems like i need to go get a pair of dancing shoes soon!

mid-week, mid-month

2006-07-19T01:03:00.000-07:00

hmm... it seems that he didn't totally ignore me after all..!! he did send me a few smses but it failed to reach me... heheh...
received a call from him today too... hmm.. though he called to ask abt certain things, it was nice to hear from him again... will be nice to have him back by my side again...

gotta constantly remind myself to be more patient and tolerant towards him... have to keep tt in mind..!!

meeting a few frens for movie tonite.. been enjoying myself quite a bit the past week or so... work has been livelier too with the intern who just joined us... her name's huiyuan, and we've gotten quite close since she started work..! =)
but my tenure in the bank is coming to an end very soon.. n it seems like they are really not gonna extend me further this time round!! so sad really, after all these mths with them n after all the work tt i've done... but oh well, perhaps it's just not meant to be for me.... =?

alrighty, time to get my butt off my office chair n head for the cinema!! yeay!!

tHis WeEk

2006-07-12T18:55:00.000-07:00

this week has been a relatively eventful and active week... had dinner with family on Monday to celebrate my eldest sis' birthday... had a great time with the kids... Tanisha can now make intelligible noises that actually sound like words! heh... she knows how to say "No", "Hi!", "More", "Hello?" and "Bye!" heh... it's so interesting how initially it all sounds the same "eehhh", "nnhhh", "mummumum", all the baby gibberish to actual sounding words.. and she can respond to you now with her own opinions.. amazing!

went for this make-over thing on wednesday by Naughty By Nature... it's actually all just a marketing gimmick but i had quite a bit of fun there! especially after a long day of work, i was pampered top to toe with a "PA" who followed me wherever i went, carried my bags, gave me opinions of my look etc... then they had a whole make-up artist team to doll you up n do your hair... it was all very relaxing and nice with all the attention and pampering.. heh...

afterwhich we headed for the shoot, where they ask u to do all the poses and they take abt 25 shots for every outfit change... tt was when i met the director of the company, a british guy, quite young, only abt 25 years old... and my goodness, he's cute!!! *drool...*

he was very professional and taught me how to pose... it was almost like in modelling where they ask you to strike all the poses that you see in magazines... heh.. but my 2nd outfit change was a bit disappointing... they decided to vamp me up a bit with a rather skimpy outfit and told to strike the poses that sells basically... sex appeal...

i never seem to be able to shake off this image of "sex symbol".. is it because of my boobies? or just that i have tt look?? oh well, but i had fun and it's not everyday that you do such things... this picture above is the more decent one that i really liked...

after all the shoot and everything, tt's when they sit you down and try to sell you their package.. i didn't exactly like the way they push you to purchase their products but think you have to go with an open mindset and i ended up joking and having loads of fun instead of getting annoyed with the hard-selling tactics... heh.. n plus, Mr Cute British was with me all the way...... hahha..

went to Orchard Scotts' private function yesterday... met another cute guy! he's actually with Far East Organisation and has jet black hair and very chiselled looks... ooo.... he has this thick accent because he's an indonesian but have been in Singapore since eons ago... didn't get to talk to him much, as i was there for work... heh... then after the event, i met a colleague for dinner, who brought me to this fantastic italian restaurant around Sixth Avenue...

the ambience was great, the food wasnt' too bad and the wine was just right... the place reminded me a lot of Peroni's in Perth where i was working in during my short stint in OZ... brought back loads of memories dining there and thoroughly enjoyed the company too...

the week's activities are not ending just yet... gonna meet a fren for dinner tonight but he's just gonna be updating me on his recent ended lovelife and tomorrow, gonna have a cook-out session with the bunch again... hmm.. wat shall i prepare??
lovelife has been sizzling out... ever since Saturday when he left, it has all been going downhill... is it just me n perhaps my over-sensitive self? but my intuition tells me tt it's almost the same on his side... i'm sad that things are like tt again but i'm tired of fanning the sparks and nothing catches on... it has come to a point where the fanning speed has slowed dramatically and unless he starts fanning from his side too, it'll all just die out...

looking at the number of times he has called or even smsed me... it seems the fire is slowly ebbing away......

and he goes off to Perth...

2006-07-10T02:43:00.000-07:00

just before he stepped into the gate, we hugged and exchanged some romantic moments and he left, with me picking up a quarrel... it was almost like a second of sweet nothings and then the next second, I was upset and heated up over the phone when he called me from the free phones before boarding the plane...

before you can say in exasperation, "what have i done again..." like yeo always says, my picking a quarrel wasn't totally unfounded... in fact, i don't think i'm even regretting picking up the quarrel.. only perhaps the timing was just not fantastic...

only 42 hours since he's left and i feel like bombing his phone with smses or emails with my mails... heh... think i must be a closet stalker, or a closet obsessive lover.. =p

i really do take notice of all the efforts that he has put in as well as the sweet little things that he as done... it has not all gone unappreciated... but it is just tt area which he's not willing to express or be open to me that really affects me... to me, as long as this barrier's not crossed, i won't be able to feel secure or assured... but time and time again, he tells me that he's not there yet...

wish i was back in Perth too... it's winter now and the weather should be fabulously cold... but reality brings me back to where i am now, in this office writing my blog in Singapore... in a way, i'm kindda relieved that he has left for a holiday for a while... though on one hand, i'm constantly thinking abt wat's he's doing now and whether he misses me, hoping he misses me... heh... but on the other hand, i'm looking forward to meeting some frens this week and having some time to myself... contradicting eh?? oh well, girls are always confusing creatures...

i hope he's no longer glooming over wat happened when he left on Saturday and i'm looking forward to having him back in 2 weeks time... meanwhile, i have my 2 little nieces to play with tonite!! hurray!! can't wait to to see Tanisha again!!

ethical vs unethical

2006-06-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

this is an issue which I cannot grasp..

is it alright to be untruthful when it comes to business?? it's not that you are doing something illegal or anything, but just that you're keeping other parties from knowing the channels you're using in business... but tt will lead to some lying and some discrepencies in what you say... is it alright then tt you do tt in order just to gain the best deals that you have..??

am i being too naive? is this how the world works??

Friendships

2006-06-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

frenships are such mysteries sometimes... just when you think that the other party have a common understanding with you and that u both "clicked", the truth comes around to your back and bites your backside...

think as you grow older, u realise that not everyone, whether frens or no, are on the same wavelength as you do.. and that i'm satisfied with my small group without a need to expand or get to know other ppl on a closer level... people whom you call frens, could also possibly be the one who snides you behind your back...

think i'm becoming more of a loner these days... except for my usual group of frens, i tend to prefer to be alone then to mix around with colleagues or even frens of frens... perhaps i just dun want to get embroiled in all those unnecessary politics anymore... "if you can't be as open to me as i am to you, i think dun even waste time on building any frenships..." tt's how it is for me these days...

thinking back abt a year ago, this time, i was probably in the frenzy of getting ready to fly to Perth to study for the very first time... remembered that my visa was approved so late and i had so many things to do last minute that i think i didn't really have time to think abt how i'll feel abt going overseas... within a short while, i found myself in Perth and had to register for my enrolment into the school the very next day... and on tt same day i enrolled into Curtin, i had to attend my first lecture in the evening... heh...

that short stint in Perth seems like so long ago to me... it's hard to imagine that that was only a few mths back and i was so different then... in those short mths overseas, i learnt so much, done so much and conquered so many things... it almost feels as if it was a totally different Cass who went thru life in Perth compared to the Cass now... it's like looking from a third person's point of view thinking back abt my days in Perth...

frens are all coming back for holidays soon... i wld have been in their shoes if i continued to stay in Perth.....

?? wat's wrong with me today??!?!?
hint: tt's the result of being too free at work..... =p

~ count your blessings ~

2006-05-21T19:36:00.001-07:00

I remember sitting in this exact same spot not too long ago (not tt u can change your office seat... heh..), lamenting on how certain issues in my life hasn't been resolved.. now just a few short months later, i'm glad to say that things have been smooth and relatively pleasant..

i'm happy the way things are going.. we're talking, we're meeting up, we're sharing, we're happy.. but somehow sometimes i just feel tt all these are just because we are very comfortable with each other... does comfort equate to love?? how does it feel to feel love again?? does love include the need to be close to someone and the need to know how he is doing everyday??

suddenly felt the feeling of how it was like to miss someone again last nite... haven't felt tt for quite a while, and it was nice to have it again... guess the answers to my questions above are slowly revealing themselves to me.. it helps when the other party is more vocal and obvious, it creates a clearer picture and shows me where my position is too...

think most of the time, both of us are as clueless and as unsure... but as we walk along together, we help each other find the direction and the meaning to all these tt are happening now...

Read a book recently??

2006-05-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

I feel really inspired to share a few books that anyone may be looking for a good read.. anyone who doesn't know me well enough yet, non-fiction or management book readers can skip reading this blog!

one of the books that got me hooked onto was called "The Time-Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger . It's a bit difficult and confusing to read in the beginning as the author tells the story jumping from one era to another. however, as you read further and try to piece up the timeline, everything starts to make more sense.

The story is about how this guy who time travels unwillingly and out of his control and meets with people in his past and future. It describes of how he met his wife when she was only 5 yrs old thru one of the time-travelling adventures and how his whole erratic lifestyle revolves around this genetic "defect".

When i first finished this book, i actually really thot that it might be a real life story instead of just a novel.. heh... it's tt good!

another book that was recommended over the dinner table last night is this book called Q & A by Vikas Swarup. I've not read this book as yet, but from wat i was told last night, i'm definately gonna get a copy to read! it's something abt this 18 yr old orphan who won the highest amount ever on a quiz show similar to "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". His winnings however was denied (read the book to know why..) and was asked to prove how he knew the answers to all those tough questions. and so, the book brings you to the journey of this boy's life, that leads to him to knowing the answers to every single question in the quiz.

quite intriguing isn't it?!? heh... i'll tell you guys how the book is after i've read it... but from the reviews, think it's not going disappoint me!

PMS

2006-05-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

I hate PMS!

mood swings without your control and u get upset over every little thing!

BLEAH..!!

100%

2006-05-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

Bwhahaha... this is the 2nd time since i started studying in Curtin that i got 100% for my tests! (although the latest one a bit assisted.. heh... sshhh...)
is that i'm a late bloomer? or that the tests are actually tt easy?? heh... i think it's the latter...

life seems looking up these days... been busy at work as well, with quite a few events coming up this week.. i've been included in a few activites recently that involve viewing properties and meeting clients! so i get to go outside, rather than just sit in the office and rot away.. heh... so exciting!!

went to sentosa with tanisha n her parents and my cousin during the vesak holidays.. took a few pictures of her, looking absolutely CUTEEE!!! this is her second time to be beach but first time touching sand! so naturally she wasn't very comfortable n there's one picture showing her crying b'cos she doesn't like the feel of sand... heh... oh, i just adore her!!
hopefully i can post up the pictures soon.. ;p

alrighty, back to work now... LOVE YA, TANISHA!! hahaha....

nothing to do in the office..

2006-05-08T02:38:00.000-07:00

feel my days at Citibank Private Banking is running to its end of its course already.. though nobody said anything as of now, i have the strong feeling that i'll no longer be needed after my contract ends in June... have to worry abt where to go if it really turns out tt way... really hope that i can continue my work here, be it part-time of full-time.. it'll be a great stepping-stone for me in this industry and i'm banging on the hope that they will ask me to convert to full-time after working for them for a considerable amount of time... heh...

had our weekly dinner on thurs last week.. tanisha was sooo cute!!! she has learnt how to walk without assistance and she's so proud to show it off to everyone! she's also learning how to speak now, and boy, she can really talk... heh... she makes a lot of unintelligible sounds but you can hear tt they are words yet to be formed in her untrained mouth... and she's constantly yaking n yaking away... heheh...

there was one instance when she crawled into my mum's room and picked up a phone on the bedside table.. then she put the receiver by her ear and started to say " ahllo? ahllo?" repeatedly.. then she stopped for a few seconds and started giggling into the phone... n then "ahllo" a few more times b4 she put the phone by on the hook... Super Adorable!!!
she was imitating her grandma (Muru's mum) who takes care of her, and who's always on the phone... heh..

office is empty now.. entire office is out at a meeting in Shangri-La... 40 mins to go till i can leave... well actually i can leave now if i want to... but i'll be nice n stay... heh..

I'M BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-05-04T02:44:00.000-07:00

FOR THE SECOND CONSECUTIVE WEEK, I'VE BEEN COMING TO WORK WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO!!

THE BOREDOM IS DRIVING ME CRAZY...!!!!!!!!!!

free-loader!

2006-05-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

bwhahaha...!

one good thing about being well-liked (self-assumed) and being in contact with your previous colleagues: free food! hehehe...

been having free coffee, muffins, cakes, pancake breakfast from Coffee Club without having to pay since i started working in Raffles Place! not tt i didn't want to pay... but they just offered and refused to charge! it's also not like i'm always taking free stuff as well as there have been times when i paid for wat i bought... but whoever complained abt getting free food eh?? heheh...

dunno why i'm so thrilled just over this issue either... i know, i'm just a cheap-skate..! heh...

2006-04-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, my dear Kelly!!

2006-04-27T02:41:00.000-07:00

Another Day, Another Destiny

2006-04-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

think it's time once again to listen to my Les Miserables... blast my radio at full volume, singing at the top of my lungs together with my Jean Valjean, Marius and Cosette.........

"this never-ending road to Calvary..
this man who seem to know my crime,
will surely come a second time,
One day more..."

"I did not live until today...
How can I live when we are parted...
Tmr u'll be worlds away...
And yet with you my world has started..."

it has been a really long day n with lack of sleep, not too good a day as well...
went for a jog last nite thinking tt my mood will improve but it probably just helped to make me feel like i've at least done sth abt my weight issue, instead of slouching on the couch n waste my nite away... but all to waste with the amount of food i ate today...

it didn't help tt i've been super free at work today as well.. from morning till now, i haven't done much except, erase mails, occasionally look thru some articles and erase more mails...
perhaps my les miserables therapy will do me some good tonite... "LAAA!!! LAA!!!"

i dunno why i feel so irritated either... tt time of the mth? nope, just ended... lack of sleep? perhaps... but if i sleep too much, like on sats n suns where i have absolutely nothing to do but stay at home n sleep, i get all grouchy n suffer headaches...

expectations, why do i have so much of these? is it wrong then, or rather, too much?? there are times when i really feel like slapping myself upside down, "WAKE UP"!!
why is it tt i can't remember how it was like when i was in AC, slightly air-headed, but happy?

when i look at her, i can't help feeling guilty... although not my mistake watsoever, but guilty for hiding the truth.. not tt i want her to know the truth either.. but either way..... ARGH!! why does he have to be like tt?!?!?!?

Bi-Weekly Cycle

2006-04-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

i know we girls all have our mthly cycles, but i have something extra! i have a bi-weekly cycle too! heheh.. do i get a prize for tt?? =p

every 2 weeks, i feel the need to add some spice in my otherwise, pretty monotonous life... every other week, i try to change situations, try to define every line all over again... be gone with grey areas, hello black & white!

a bi-weekly cycle is tiring... but then again, i can't do anything to stop it... can u help it when u have urges to settle things once n for all?? but it's draining too much of me.. or is it because i feel tired now so i feel drained? oh well...

went to a lunch-time concert at Esplanade today.. it was pretty refreshing, though i have to comment that the singer wasn't tt fantastic... ok, let me give her her justice due... she can sing, she even sounds nice! but i feel tt her voice lacks the power that certain songs need at times..
but it was nice to spend half an hour, relaxed and listening to someone serenade you in the dark hall... recharges u as well, a pit-stop in the middle of the hectic day...

went shopping the other day n felt super depressed... tried on so many clothes and all made me look so fat.. ok, i am fat, i admit tt.. tt's why it's so depressing.. really think tt if i were to squeeze n twist my fats a bit, oil will just seep and drip out of my pores... wore a skirt i haven't worn for a long while, today n realised tt i used to wear it as a hipster, not can only be worn at the waist!!!! WAT'S HAPPENING??!?!??!?!?!?

sigh... looks like i shd join california fitness too n instead of eating lunch, i shd go to the gym... =?

I NEED DISTRACTION!!!

mama drama

2006-04-21T09:07:00.000-07:00

yup, u didn't read tt wrong, it's mama drama... i'm the mama of all dramas... heh... sometimes i feel as if my life is like a whole drama serial n i'm pretty sure my viewership ratings will be sky high...

wat do u do when u know tt someone is very happy with her life now n you know something that can potentially destroy her joy?? wat if this information might either make or break a family?? wat if this particular information might not be true?? wat will u do??

i might have to confront this problem in a few days to come... though i'm not alone, but the thot of confronting it is extremely... terrifying... i'm not even sure i can even look at his face when i talk to him...

i never respected him, even till this age... but i thot things have improved and he did show tt he care... i softened towards him and even tried conversations that i've otherwise never even bothered to attempt... but he just took away this new-found attempt and respect once more...

i feel sick... with wat he has done... again n again, never putting his family before him... if it's all true, he disgusts me......

tears..

2006-04-19T04:44:00.000-07:00

i was so happy last nite when i had a great conversation with her... she showed understanding n acceptance, though difficult as it might be... i saw a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel then, for her... i thot it seems tt it's going to turn out o.k. after all...

i crossed my fingers hoping that my pessimism will prove me wrong.. i had great hope in her when she told me abt her ambitions and goals, her dreams and achievements... when the conversation ended, i felt good, n i'm sure she felt better too... i had re-newed strength to help her again..

then the bomb dropped on me... well, it didn't cause a big explosion 'cos i somehow expected it... i knew it wld turn out this way, but knowing didn't diminish my disappointment.. i wasn't angry at all, just disappointed... n when she told me... i cried... my heart actually ached...

Bhwaa Haha!

2006-04-13T02:26:00.000-07:00

this day doesn't seem that bad after all...

i've got a raise!!

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ...

2006-04-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

i need to keep myself occupied... i need to do stuff to keep my mind from wondering... my manager's not in yet and i have nothing to do... thus explains why i'm constanting blogging....

i feel like giving tt stupid quek a big shake.... shake him out of his senses...

life is such a big joke sometimes... i just want to laugh out loud at the world... laugh till i become insane... or maybe laugh till i'm bending in stitches... laugh, tt's wat i need now... i need to laugh!

ONE MORE TIME

2006-04-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

right now, wat i wld like to do is to flood my screen with tears....

from the time i woke up, from preparing to come to work to reaching my work place, i have been crying non-stop... torrents of longings and yearnings just flooded my senses... i feel so stifled, it's hard to breathe.....

why cldn't i have just kept things the way they were?? wasn't i happy being with them, playing tennis and golf and talking and joking with him...?? why did i have to draw the line so clearly? was there a need for me to do tt now??

regardless, i did it... n i lost more things in return... i lost my hard-found tennis khakis... i lost frenship... i lost the joy i feel when i see him smile...

after 1 yr and 3 mths, surely he knows wat he wants, like i know how life seem more bareable and colourful when he's around... but guess i have to learn tt things dun always go the way i want or wish to... i cld see the 2 of us happy together, loving each other, guiding and helping each other, giving each other support and advice... am i deluding myself??

watever i feel, it has come to an end again... yes, again...

all i want now is to wish him happiness... n i wish tt the next person he's with will bring him more happiness than i've ever given him... with tt i am happy...

Tanisha

2006-04-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

been missing perth recently... esp during lectures when my mind will drift back to those days tt i spent in perth... miss carousel, miss northbridge, miss cpp carpark, miss my bubble tea @ utopia, miss grocery shopping @ coles, miss city shopping, miss sportsgirl, MISS MY SCOOTER, miss metros, miss concas!, miss oriels, miss doing laundry & ironing at home, miss mandurah, MISS WINTER, miss cool evenings, MISS DRIVING MANUAL CARS, miss seeing angmohs n ah bohs on the streets and not caring two hoots abt how u look...

Just pasted one of my recent pictures with Tanisha on my work desk... fills my face with smiles whenever i lift up my head n look at the picture... cute isn't she?? heh...

gonna prepare for her birthday in a few days time... still haven't thot of wat i'll get for her yet... hmm... she has so many clothes n so many toys, i think she lacks nothing!! lucky girl... heh...

she's turning 1 yr old, how time flies... has it only been a year ago tt i saw her in the crib, occupying less than a third of the bed? it's amazing how fast everything moves when u dun pay attention to it...

been quite down the last few days... i want things to start happening in my life, it has been stagnant for too long for me... but when i dun get it, i try to get it out of my system and forcing it out depresses me...

i asked him to make up his mind... being in this not here, not there situation irks me... i want answers and no longer grey areas... but then again, when i think abt the definite answers that i want, i'm not sure... it's scary... unpredictable, and perhaps might even be a wrong move... but unsure and afraid as i am, i need to move forward... i cannot just sit there and not do anything...
hence, i force myself to detach, to break away... but every time i do tt, i suffer and i have to redirect my attention all over again... but i never made it to disconnect totally, there's always some excuse to go back to square one...

feel my patience running out recently, i wish to end this ping pong game... i think i am too indecisive, i never put my foot down on things... but i did in fact 2 days ago, but apparently, he didn't get the idea... or maybe he just doesn't want to let go... so, wat happens now??

Black & White

2006-03-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

how fantastic... yesterday i was so busy, i hardly had time to eat and pee during work.. n today, i'm so free i dunno wat to do with myself...

yesterday was a good day... i was given so much work and i was trying to rush everything out b4 the day ends, i hardly had time to breathe... the sense of satisfaction u feel is really quite nice..! but all work n no play, makes little jane a very very dull girl n so, i joined a few frens for a game of tennis after work! haven't played tennis for too long a time and was really looking forward to playing again... indeed, it was fantastic! wish i was there earlier though, cos i only managed to play abt an hour (being caught up with work) while my frens played for 3 whole hours!! damn! hehhe...

wanted to go home early to rest though but only managed to sleep at 2 am... yes, and u can imagine how lethargic i am this morning and i have classes tonite somemore... hopefully, i won't faint half-way thru the day! =p

it's now almost 1030 am... i've been sitting at my desk, doing nothing since 830 am... well, my manager is sick today, so i think she's coming in late... hopfully late n not not showing up at all!! i'm so terribly bored..........

hmm... my hands are itching for more tennis already... it's really hard for me to be able to find tennis khakis... someppl dun mind playing with strangers but i personally prefer to play with ppl i know and am comfortable with... tennis is a game which u can enjoy with frens... tt's how i like it... glad more of my frens are taking up tennis already... but... how long will i be able to continue playing with them..??

Adding words into my dictionery!

2006-03-21T23:24:00.000-08:00

one of the great things about my work now is that i'm constantly learning new terms and words in the English dictionery... most of them are terms used in the real estate context but many can also be used outside of it as well!

Qns: Souce of my new found knowledge? Ans: Newspapers and property magazines!

my job scope includes reading property articles and reports every single day... and of cos in my free time, because there's no other authorised websites i can visit, i surf the news webbie... =?

let me share my new-found knowledge:
1. Well-heeled - having plenty of money
2. Mandate - document giving official instruction or command / assign authority to
3. Amalgmate - to unite in, to merge into a single body
4. En Bloc - as a mass, whole
5. Enclave - an enclosed territory tt is dictinct from the foreign territory surrounding it

2006-03-19T23:03:00.000-08:00

started work at citibank last week... it has been pretty interesting so far... basically, i'm dealing with private investors and we deal with real estate, meaning we have big farts who are interested in investing in properties in Singapore and SEA going through us... our clients have to have at least a net worth of $10 million to be part of this 'club'... i mean, sheesh... i didn't know there are so many millionaires in singapore! have yet to start on meeting clients... but perhaps i might be able to hook up some big fish, who's not too old, some day! haha...!

i'm actually just doing temp now, but i hope to be able to convert to perm... banking environment isn't exactly tt interesting, but at least, the money is good! n it's interesting to always be in touch with which property is on sale in the market etc. as i have to do a lot of research on these as well as info on property markets in SEA... perhaps it's all just new to me now.. but i hope tt this interest stays!

the great thing abt working here in Citibank now is that stationery is free-flow.. i mean, really free-flow!! they dun even track whether how much stationery one takes n guess wat, there's even thumb-drives to take!! how nice is tt?? hehe... ok, i know... cheap-thrill... >p
but on the hind side, i'm always left with nothing much to do... not tt there's anything to complain abt not havign to work... but time passes so much slower and i get bored so often... my bosses are always on the run, to meetings to viewing sites, to meeting clients and i'm left alone for hours with nothing to do... but then again, ppl tell me i'm paid to do nothing... so wat's there to complain abt? heh...

life has eben pretty fulfilling recently, going out with frens n work.. just tried indoor rock climbing the other day with some frens and i must say tt i'm very eager to go again! to those who haven't tried it b4, do give it a try... i think u won't regret it... u feel tt sense of achievement when u reach to the top and u just keep wanting to move on to tougher obstacles... plus, u can get a damn good workout... every part of my body ached after 2 hours of climbing and i felt really good... heh...

these days, life seem more bareable and even enjoyable... but of cos i still have those days where i wish everything wld just fade away... my mind is constantly at a struggle with my heart and vice versa... i want to disappear from the circle tt i always get myself into, but i never seem to be able to climb out of it... everyone tells me it's really up to me to decide wat i want... the thing is, i know wat i want, but i just dunno how to get about getting it without even any chance in losing out in the battle... one fren told me, "just go with the flow, there's no use fighting it..." is tt my only way?

L.I.F.E.

2006-03-05T08:23:00.000-08:00

sigh... life is full of mysteries and unanswered equations... how i wish i know at least a teeny weeny bit about life but truth eludes me... time and time again i am forced to admit defeat, that nothing is for certain in this life... wat can u rely on then, i wonder... since life has its many unpredictability and surprises...?

i think too much... i know i think too much... since life is so unpredictable, wat's the point in thinking so much then? heh... since no matter how much u think, things are going to turn out different whether or not u think abt it... hmm...

i feel very constricted... i wanna break free from everything but it's so hard to break the boundaries of your thoughts... i worry abt this, i worry abt tt... i wanna be myself, enjoy myself in the company of others but i'm doubtful of myself, how to handle situations... glenn was right, it wld have been much easier if we followed the old remedies of situation-handling, then it'll all be so much less confusing... but instead i had to be a smart aleck and create a situation where now i dunno how to handle...

tomorrow will be a start of a new day, i hope... i have to get my ass up n actively start searching for my job... this week is also the start of many new activites for me... hopefully, this start will the beginning of many more new beginnings...!

a prayer request, pls....

2006-03-04T05:44:00.000-08:00

my first entry since i've reached home... didn't have any internet access until today when my computer came back to life... hopefully it breaks down on me again n beyond repairs this time so tt i can get a brand new lappie!! can't stand this ancient thing anymore, my screen seems to be eroding!!!!!

reached singapore on a good note, i wld say... was given a bottle of champagne by this air steward and the attention he gave me throughout the flight was pretty flattering... u can say all u want, guys, but it's still nice once in a while where u have a pretty cute guy giving u tt type of attention... oh well, maybe it's b'cos i've never had any guy vie for my attention before, neither have i had any guy who went thru means n ways just to want to know me better or get my number... sometimes, girls just wanna have tt type of 'chase' to feel appreciated.... ;p

but this episode re-affirmed one of my stand in coming back... i have to let go of the past, though the past might not disappear, i guess it's just up to me, how strong my mind can be, to be able to live with it... i'm gonna fill my days with more purpose and of cos activities, if within my means... and i'm not gonna restrict myself as before in the department of BGR... after a year and 2 mths of singlehood, i think i'm ready for a relationship again... i long for more, i long for someone whom i can talk to or look for at the end of the day, someone who is willing to keep my free days occupied, someone who is willing to shower me with the love and care i have so missed...
but when i think abt getting to know another person, learning abt his habits, attitude and character, starting a relationship from scratch again, i am filled with dread and apprehension... just seems to be such a tiring thing to start off again...

though knowing wat i shd do, i'm still as confused as ever abt whether i shd have the talk... i think it's time to move on from where i left it a mth ago... but every single time when the opportunity comes, i stutter and i falter... too many consequences and too many obstacles...

was greeted with a very unfortunate news coming home... found out tt one of my frens is actually suffering from a severe life-threatening illness... two tumours were found in her brains and which seemed to have migrated from her stomach... not sure which stage of cancer she's at but quite likely, the later stages...

this news shocked me out of my wits... i'm not very close to her and we do not really have much in common to talk abt either... but nevertheless, she was someone i met pretty often and i consider a fren... having such an illness at such a young age really makes one wonder wat in this world is certain...?? she was active and happy one day, and the next day she woke up with her right side for her body lifeless.....

often when u hear stories like this from other frens, u never really consider it much cos it's not close to ur heart... but when such unfortunate things happen to ppl u know n close to u, u feel ur heart n soul reaching out for them... i wish i cld do more for her... i wish i cld talk to her and comfort her... but when i saw her lying on the bed, i'm at a loss for words... i guess the most i can do now is to keep her in my prayers and i hope tt anyone who's reading this blog, though u might not know who this stricken girl is, but pray for her nevertheless... pray that this girl, so beautiful and with such great future in front of her, will survive this ordeal and emerge as a winner..!