Random Thoughts - Blogs are for Whinings....
too many random thots in my head over the past few weeks... have to write them down...
the guys gave me a surprise on the first day of the new year to celebrate my birthday which was 2 days after... it was really sweet of them to make tt effort and it was really funny n cute to see them trying to hide behind the pillars, like secondary sch kids... heh...
been feeling like i need a pet these days... a dog will be nice, even a cat, though my affinity towards cats are not tt strong... but it's never gonna be possible unless i move out of this house... a puppy who will stay with me and never leave.....
dunno how to pick myself up... i look and behave ok... sometimes even, i feel ok... but too many days when i can't help but feel so helpless... i do admit, i cannot do without company... but so many dun stay at your side.... some just call you out once in a while, some call when they suddenly thot of you tt nite and never one who can give me what i need...
why is it so hard sometimes?? why can't i smile?? there are days when i really feel like giving up on life.... but life never lets you do tt... it moves n it moves... it doesn't stop for you... you'll just have to catch up with it and force yourself to move with it... but so often, i feel my outside moving ahead, but my inside still stuck in time....
of cos there are days when it doesn't seem so bad... when you numb yourself enough n not think abt anything but focus on wat's ahead, life seems better... i just want to get there sooner... that patch of grass where i know it's greener and softer...where i know i can roll and frolick among the flowers...
wat happened and why this way?? it's been a while since i expressed my feelings in any way... but then again if u think abt it, it's not been tt long, but it seems like years have passed..... and even at this point of time, i'm in denial... i can't even bring myself to express anything, not even in a blog...
i need to stick to wat i wanted to do in the beginning... it's so hard and painful and it's a constant battle... but i know that after tonite, after i wake up from my sleep, i still have to let it go.... not easy... but neither do i have the choice... i only pray that this battle tt i'm fighting, has made his life a better one...
Last Working Day of the Year
Here i am, sitting in the office for one last time b4 i transfer myself to a new office in raffles place... the last day i'll be blogging from this computer and under Citibank's account...i am feeling screwed up... everything is screwed up... even my health... starting to get all the weird sicknesses that i never had before... whole day, i'm feeling breathless and feverish, but no fever... hungry and yet nothing goes in, everything's blend n tasteless... what goes in just feels like coming out again... perhaps i'm an accidental bulimic... terms like eczema and asthma start popping into my vocabulary where it never existed b4... i start losing sleep when i could so easily fall into deep sleep within 5 mins on the bed... it's so frustrating, i just feel like taking out everything inside, give it a good squeeze n wash and hope everything will be ok again... i've not felt so screwed up with every aspect of my life for a very long time... n this time, it seems to be taking a longer while to pass over... and i shall infect everyone with my screwed up mind...
I envy Sleeping Beauty...
at this point of time now, i wish i could too fall into a deep deep sleep... just disappear from the face of this earth... forget everything, dun have think abt anything, u can just sleep all you want without having to wake up with a headache afterwards...
dun have to have pms, dun have to eat, dun have to drag yourself to work, dun have to grow old, dun have to be troubled abt the problems all adults face, dun have to worry abt anything... perhaps Sleeping Beauty had the same idea in mind.. tt's why she purposely pricked her fingers with the spindle....??? hmm...
i really really just want to do that now...
lessons you learn 2
what does blogging do?? it gives you a voice to speak your mind, your heart, your feelings?? or is it just an option for people to know what is going on in your life without having to approach you to find out?? I wanted to give up blogging initially b'cos I felt that there were some people who read my blog, just to fester on their curiosity and do not really care abt what goes on in my life... I still feel that way but I guess why should I bother myself abt them..?? Blogging is a way for me to express myself in ways that I would otherwise not be able to.. silent thots that cannot be expressed through speech but only thru words...everyone's busy with their own lives, preoccupied with their own problems and obstacles... gone are the days when close frens call u up, ask abt you and chat thru the night... gone are the days too when u can just pick up the phone and call any close fren and not hear the strain through their voice when they hear you talk abt their problems... everyone likes to avoid unhappy talk these days, they dun want to burden themselves with other people's problems on top of their own... is this how friendships have become?? am I guilty of that too?well, at least I tried... and I'm grateful for those who sincerely listened to my problems and my joy and I in turn, reached out to those who needed a listening ear to theirs...
lessons you learn
I remember I once told auntie jane, "u can't always stop them from committing mistakes, u can't always prepare the path u think is good for them, sometimes you just have to let them make their own path and fall on their own, and they will learn from it.."
I remember this was sth that I've always wanted to tell my parents... let me do whatever I do and let me learn from my mistakes however painful it might be... let me learn...
but of cos as parents, they'll never allow you to walk down the dark and risky path alone.. they'll use their ways n means to warn you, to stop you, fearing that you'll be hurt in the process... I've come to understand why they are this way... why they want to stop you and save you from hurting yourself... but sometimes, there's really nothing you can do to stop anyone from doing what they want to do..
I am not a parent yet but I already feel this way towards friends I care... but I know that though I see them walking down the dark and perhaps turmultous path, I'll just have to give them my best wishes and hope and pray that they'll 'survive' it and become a better person.. for if you love and care for them enough, you will believe that whatever decisions that they make, it's for the best of them...
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